October 24, 2013

first-class heartbreak: spray-painted roses

dear lover,

the truth is, the truth hurts.

why can't i forget you?

was it easy to forget me?

if i learn to hate, will that help me be more like you?

are you happy moving forward without me?

or maybe i just hate me. for hurting someone like you.

yeah. that's it. i've learned to hate me over this whole thing.

and i can't get past the guilt.

and i live everyday in regret.

i just want you to help me.

i want you to fix that thing i ripped open inside me.

i want you to make it better.

i want you to tell me it's going to be okay.

i want you to want to want me.

i want you to not hate me.

i want you to love me again.

after you left, the only thing that was left standing there was, me.

alone.

in an empty labyrinth.

with all my sins painted perfectly on easels and dark, wrap-around walls.

the pain of feeling and existing became unbearable.

the truth of what i had done ached in places that at one time: grew beautiful, black, white & red roses.

i looked to my left. then, to my right.

to my right, stood a sign that read "TRUTHS & PAINS"

to my left, stood a sign that read "BOYS, POISON & GAMES"

in that moment: i hated you. for leaving me there in that place, alone.

so i went left. just to HURT you.

centuries later, i crawled my way to the end of that labyrinth.

and there stood a sign that read: "NOW ARE YOU READY? TRUTHS, ACHES & PAINS AWAIT MISS MAE!"

i just wanted you to help me.

i wanted you to fix that thing i ripped open inside me.

i wanted you to make it better.

i wanted you to tell me it would be okay.

i wanted you to want to want me.

i wanted you to not hate me.

i wanted you to love me again.

i realize now, despite the damage i caused you STILL did help me.
you tried to fix what you could.
you never stopped telling me it would be okay.
you did not hate me.
and even though it isn't the love i wish i could get back from you,
you never stopped showing me love.
especially when you knew i was the most lost.

awareness brought me to these uncomfortable, yet familiar facts.

all along..

i needed me to help me.

i needed to fix that thing i ripped open inside me.

i needed to make it better.

i needed to want to want me.

i needed to no longer hate me.

i needed to forgive me.

i needed to love me again.

i learned something valuable through this (my first, ever documented REGRET)
forgiveness is the most important thing in life.
forgiveness of self.
forgiveness of others.

i didn't get what i wanted. but i guess, i got what i needed.

someday - i will learn to be okay with that.

someday - i will look your way, and i hope: feel impartial.

they say time heals all. and i surrender everything i've got.

i'm not perfect. just a work in progress.

and, so:
this is the end of the story.


© by the gypsies travels

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